Life and Being Alive

Life and living
Source: Lady Chatterley’s Lover by D.H Lawrence

Life kills us sometimes. It numbs our ability to receive it, to dance with it, to rejoice in it. Sometimes we are immolated by it, and, ashes, we tell ourselves we are never going to be burned again. Life is literally felt through our ability to love and desire, and, in its loss, we tell ourselves not me, never again. 

But it is not death, but hibernation. And one day, something or someone will come and defy you to stoke a fire inside you again. You will try to fight it, but it will defeat you because it is life and love. The flames will resurrect you, breathe warmth into you again and crack you open so you can receive light, and let in desire, love, all the things that made you afraid to live terrible, wonderful life once more. You will want again; the pit of your stomach will ache at the thought of someone again; your breath will quicken and your heart will flutter when you see their face, or hear their voice; you will imagine fingers tracing your skin again, and it will be terrifying but delicious. It is only in the state of living that you are present to the awe of life, and it will invite you to dance again.

It could be that sadness will strike again. The flames will be doused, the dance ended, the joy paused. Loving and desiring may not end as you might want. But even its loss, even the darkness which threatens to oppress again, cannot extinguish that first sensation of life entering your body again, of warmth charging into a cold, empty space. You cannot un-experience the moment of sensory reignition by fresh, flickering flames of love and desire reminding you that you are alive; you cannot reverse the knowledge, touched and felt, that life scorned your imagined death because it wanted you to rise and dance again. 

Nor must you. Do not even try; it is yours, part of you, just like the loss. Hold onto it, relive it, taste it over and over as the miracle you felt you didn’t deserve but still got because you are not forgotten by life, and will always be a space for love. Take that moment as a reminder that if you have been cracked open before to let in light and love, then the same forces will ignore you to do it again.  

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